Session #3b Assignment – Antagonist Scene

The Assignment:

Part One: In 250 words or less, describe your protagonist and tell us his/her motivation for solving the crime.

Part Two: In 250 words or less, describe your antagonist and tell us his/her motivation for committing the crime.

The instructor provided an added guideline that the description needs to be done as part of the story, not just an exposition.

(I ran out of time to submit Part One for grading, but I will post it here for your comments when I get it done.)

There is an error — it should be easy for you to spot!

Antagonist

Note:  In this story, there is more than one murder.  The first to be discovered is the present-day slaying of Azalia Morales.   The second is the 1972 murder of Miranda Barragan Kinsella, Lucy’s mother and Mollie’s aunt.

Original submission:

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 “Go ahead, honey.”  Lucy bent over at the waist, dropping her tall, matronly frame closer to Tessa’s height.   She lovingly brushed aside the golden strands covering the girl’s downcast eyes and kissed her cheek.  Then, cupping Tessa’s face with both hands, Lucy tilted it upward.

“You are a brave and strong girl, aren’t you?”  Lucy asked, her fake little girl voice barely above a whisper.   The question went unanswered.  Tessa was staring into Lucy’s dark eyes, apparently transfixed by the woman’s motherly yet determined countenance.

“Aren’t you, Tessa?”   The tone suddenly turned harder, more challenging.  With Lucy’s hands still holding her head, Tessa nodded, then turned to look at Mollie.

Mollie searched her stepdaughter’s face for a hint of what the teenager might be thinking.   Ice stared back at her from behind a delicate fringe of long, black lashes.  .

Unnerved by Tessa’s vacant gaze, Mollie turned her attention to her cousin.   With the exception of Lucy’s height, they had once been mirror images of each other, the trademark Kinsella looks strong in both.  The same porcelain skin, dark curly hair, bright blue eyes, strong angular jaws.

Mollie watched with rising fear as Lucy spoke into Tessa’s ear, softly, sweetly.  “You know what you need to do, honey.  Sometimes we have to do hard things … to protect ourselves, to live the best kind of life.  To have the things we deserve.”  Then she placed the hatchet in Tessa’s right hand, and closed her fingers around the girl’s.

“Right, Mami?”  Lucy yelled, suddenly thrusting the hatchet to the sky, nearly lifting the girl off of her feet.  She then let out a huge belly laugh.  “Right, Mami?  You thought you could take everything from me, didn’t you?  And now?  What do you think?”  She laughed again, then smiled at Mollie.

“I suppose, dear Cousin, Mami doesn’t think much of anything … “  Lucy gave Mollie a knowing wink, then giggled.

“… since she lost her head.”

Instructor’s feedback in CAPS: ( I clarified for the instructor later that this was the scene describing the antagonist and her motive for the crime.)

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Carol,

This is a well-presented scene–very well written. Lucy is a good character–very intense and maybe not overly nice. 🙂 But Mollie seems to be the protagonist. Either way, I like the tone of this. I think you have something here–you write with authority. Good work. I also like the idea of a double murder story.

Email me your antagonist scene when you’re ready. miki

Note:  In this story, there is more than one murder.  The first to be discovered is the present-day slaying of Azalia Morales.   The second is the 1972 murder of Miranda Barragan Kinsella, Lucy’s mother and Mollie’s aunt.

Antagonist

“Go ahead, honey.”  Lucy bent over at the waist, dropping her tall, matronly frame closer to Tessa’s height.  ON SPACE BETWEEN SENTENCES  She lovingly brushed aside the golden strands covering the girl’s downcast eyes and kissed her cheek.  Then, cupping Tessa’s face with IN both hands, Lucy tilted it upward.

 “You are YOU’RE –GO FOR CONTRACTIONS BECAUSE THEY’RE MORE NATURAL  a brave and strong girl, aren’t you?”  Lucy asked, her fake little HYPHEN girl voice barely above a whisper.   The question went unanswered.  Tessa was staring into Lucy’s dark eyes, apparently transfixed by the woman’s motherly yet determined countenance. 

 “Aren’t you, Tessa?”   The tone suddenly turned harder, more challenging.  With Lucy’s hands still holding her head, Tessa nodded, then turned to look at Mollie.

Mollie searched her stepdaughter’s face for a hint of what the teenager might be thinking.   Ice stared back at her from behind a delicate fringe of long, black lashes.  [.] 

Unnerved by Tessa’s vacant gaze, WELL, A GAZE FILLED WITH `ICE’ DOESN’T SOUND VACANT TO ME Mollie turned her attention to her cousin.   With the exception of Lucy’s height, they had once been mirror images of each other, the trademark Kinsella looks strong in both.  COMMA LOWER CASE –OR DASH The same porcelain skin, dark curly hair, bright blue eyes, strong angular jaws.  THEY’D ONCE BEEN MIRROR IMAGES, BUT WHAT ABOUT NOW?

Mollie watched with rising fear as Lucy spoke into Tessa’s ear, softly, sweetly.  “You know what you need to do, honey.  Sometimes we have to do hard things … to protect ourselves, to live the best kind of life.  To have the things we deserve.”  Then she placed the hatchet in Tessa’s right hand, and closed her fingers around the girl’s.  

 “Right, Mami?”  Lucy yelled, suddenly thrusting the hatchet to the sky, nearly lifting the girl off of her feet.  She then let out a huge belly laugh.  “Right, Mami?  You thought you could take everything from me, didn’t you?  And now?  What do you think?”  She laughed again, then smiled at Mollie.

“I suppose, dear Cousin NO CAP , Mami doesn’t think much of anything … “  Lucy gave Mollie a knowing wink, then giggled.  NO PARA BREAK

“… since she lost her head.” GOOD

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