Session #2 Assignment – Scene with Setting Description

The Assignment:  In 500 words or less, write a scene in which you describe the setting you’ve chosen for your story.

I focused most of the effort on the setting and didn’t include enough character description — I think since I included the character Mollie interacting with the setting, the instructor expected more about her.

Also I guess I have to end my love affair with long (endless) sentences.  I don’t want to scare the instructor, but I am tempted to send her some of my best run-on sentences from my blog.  Although her TAME YOUR SENTENCE LENGTH comment is well-placed in my submission, she ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

Any feedback you have on the original submission or instructor’s feedback is welcome!

My Submission:

Dawn light filtering through the cabin’s southeast window nudged Mollie out of deep sleep.  She woke with a headache and the dim memory of pulling off her boots, then falling exhausted and freezing into the soft embrace of a thick feather bed.   She was now too warm, which was causing the dull thud behind her eyes.  She kicked off the smothering cocoon of flannel and down that she had somehow trapped herself in, and got out of bed.

Her bare feet welcomed the cold floor, bare planks of old reclaimed barn wood laid in a herringbone pattern throughout the log cabin.  Mollie padded to the front door of the cabin and noticed with delight a tray of breakfast goodies set on a table just inside the door.  Bless that Lucy, Mollie thought, as she poured steaming black coffee into a large mug and took a bite of a warm applesauce muffin.  She opened the front door of the cabin and stepped out into the morning. 

Early sunlight filtered through the tall pines walling the east end of a large, natural clearing, a site her grandfather had discovered on a vacation hunting trip in the Sierra Nevada 60 years prior.  He saw it as the perfect location for his private ranch far from the madness of Hollywood, and the fulfillment of his dream of a stable, loving home for his “lost lads”, the orphaned or otherwise disadvantaged kids that tugged at his heart during visits with his young fans.

The clearing was bordered on the west, north and east by dense forests of pine, fir, cedar, and an occasional maple and Black Oak.  To the south was a nearly treeless expanse of rolling meadow, perfect for the large pastures that would eventually house upward of 100 head of horses during the ranch’s movie location heyday. 

The dank mist that had chilled Mollie to the bone the night before had settled into a light frost shimmering on the carpet of pine needles that covered the paths between the log cabins on the north edge of the clearing.  Mollie breathed in the cool air, scented of pine and the wood smoke that she saw drifting from the chimney of the Big House, the sprawling log and stone lodge that overlooked the ranch from the top of a knoll to the west.

Gulping the last of the coffee, Mollie went back inside the cabin to dress.  It was approaching 7:00 a.m. and she needed to get down to the stable.  The horses would be calling for their breakfast.

She hiked south, skirting the perimeter fence of the large arena at the clearing’s center.  As she walked, she noticed several fence rails that broken off from their posts.  Intact rails were trashed by weather and neglect, remnants of once-white paint now gray and peeling.  As Mollie approached the stable area, her concern rose.  The barns were as run-down as the arena.  

She quickened her stride.  Time for a chat with the barn manager.

Instructor’s Critique (her embedded comments are in CAPS)

Carol,

Good writing and good setting work. I like the character and the feel of the story is nearly right. I looked at your summary again and I’m not sure where this comes in the story. Is she worried at this point about the possibility of being in danger? If so, you need to get that in. In fact, whatever the underlying emotion here, you need to include that. But basically, the piece is good. See below for specific feedback. miki

Dawn light filtering through the cabin’s southeast window nudged Mollie out of **A** –RHYTHM– READ THE SENTENCE BOTH WAYS deep sleep. She woke with a headache and the dim memory of pulling off her boots, then falling exhausted and freezing into the soft embrace of a thick feather bed.   She was now too warm, which was causing the dull thud behind her eyes. She kicked off the smothering cocoon of flannel and down that she had somehow trapped herself in, and got out of bed.

Her bare feet welcomed the cold floorING–YOUR RHYTHM IS OFF– , bare planks of old COMMA reclaimed barn wood laid in a herringbone pattern throughout the log cabin. THEN Mollie padded to the front door of the [cabin] FIND ANOTHER WORD BECAUSE OF THE REPEAT and noticed with delight a tray of breakfast goodies set on a table just inside the [door] HOUSE –VARY, VARY, VARY . Bless that Lucy, Mollie thought, as she poured steaming black coffee into a large mug and took a bite of a warm applesauce muffin. STILL MUNCHING COMMA –VARY YOUR SENTENCE STARTS She opened the front door of the cabin and stepped out into the CHILLY? SUNNY? –HOW DO YOU DESCRIBE THE DAY? morning.

Early sunlight filtered through the tall pines walling the east end of a large, natural clearing, a site her grandfather had discovered on a vacation hunting trip in the Sierra Nevada 60 years prior. He saw HE’D SEEN it as the perfect location for his private ranch far from the madness of Hollywood, and the fulfillment of his dream of a stable, loving home for his “lost lads”, COMMA INSIDE QUOTES the orphaned or otherwise disadvantaged kids that WHO–PEOPLE ARE `WHO’ tugged at his heart during visits with his young fans.

The clearing was bordered THIS FEELS AS IF WE’RE COMING BACK TO THE PRESENT on the west, north and east by dense forests of pine, fir, cedar, and an occasional maple and Black Oak WHY CAPS WHEN YOU DON’T CAP THE OTHER TREE NAMES–NO CAPS . To the south was a nearly treeless expanse of rolling meadow, perfect for the large pastures that [would eventually] houseD upward of 100 head of horses during the ranch’s movie location heyday.

The dank mist that had chilled Mollie to the bone the night before had settled into a light frost PERIOD ICE CRYSTALS SHIMMERED shimmering on the carpet of pine needles that covered COVERING the paths between the log cabins on the north edge of the clearing. A SENTENCE STRUCTURE HAS ITS LIMITS Mollie breathed in the cool air, scented of pine and the wood smoke that she saw drifting from the chimney of the Big House, PERIOD –START ANOTHER SENTENCE –TAME YOUR SENTENCE LENGTH the sprawling log and stone lodge that overlooked the ranch from the top of a knoll to the west.

Gulping the last of the coffee, Mollie went back inside the cabin to dress. [It was] AT approaching 7:00 a.m. [and] COMMA she needed to get down to the stable. The horses would be calling for their breakfast.

She HOW WOULD YOU CHARACTERIZE HER? `THE YOUNG SOMETHING OR OTHER’ hiked south, skirting the perimeter fence of the large arena at the clearing’s center. As she walked, she noticed several fence rails that HAD broken off from their posts. EVEN Intact rails were trashed by weather and neglect, remnants of once-white paint now gray and peeling. As Mollie approached the stable area, her concern rose. The barns were as run-down RUNDOWN as the arena.

She quickened her stride. Time for a chat with the barn manager. GOOD