Weird Science #1: Left-handedness causes fat

Not that I am on a hunt for more excuses.  But it occurs to me that there is likely another contributor to my weight.  It occurs to me now because earlier tonight I was trying to make soup.  Healthy veggie/chicken soup with lots of butter and cream, and lots of sage and pepper.  The sage and pepper are necessary since they cause a chemical reaction in the digestive system that renders the cream and butter completely fatless.  In my kitchen.

Where miracles of chemistry and physics are, of course, commonplace.   Because my kitchen is, of course, on my planet.

So, anyway,  I’m trying to make this healthy soup tonight and suddenly I am in full-on epiphany:  It is freaking hard to cook healthy meals if one is left-handed.  And I am one.

Take grocery stores, for example.  Which I hate anyway, which you should know by now.  One of the big reasons I hate them is that the pen on the little writing shelf next to the checkstand is always on the right side of the shelf, and the string tethering the pen so that it doesn’t get stolen by a customer who just waited in line for 15 minutes and deserves some free stuff like a cheap-ass pen for being patient and not having an f-ing nervous breakdown while the cashier chatted up the customer ahead in line for 5 minutes, is so short that you can’t use the pen with your left hand unless you put your checkbook down on top of your avocados that are still waiting for a teenager bagger to get off their third break in 3 hours of hard work chatting up the other teenager baggers to shove in a bag and then ask “Do you want some help out?” with the enthusiasm of death-warmed-over.

Then, let’s say our left handed person makes it home from the grocery store and is still conscious enough on two extra hits of Xanax to cook the groceries for dinner.  The next challenge to face is the measuring cup, the common glass Pyrex kind.  If you hold the measuring cup in your left hand with the spout on the right, the measuring lines on the side facing you measure off in meters, not in cups.  So to be able to measure in your native language, you either have to switch the measuring cup to your right hand, which is your wrong hand, which means you can’t get an accurate measure since your right hand jumps around out of control like a total spazz, or you keep the measuring cup in your left hand and you have to look from the side with the easily readable foreign language through the glass to the opposite side, which you can sort of see but the measuring lines in your native language are completely backwards by the time your eyes get there.  And on top of all that, if you have poor eyesight and wear glasses, you are looking through the equivalent of three separate lenses, so the measurements are not only backwards, they are blurry besides.  In summary, lots of risk to accurate measuring.  With proportional risk to edibility.

Then there is the soup ladle.  If you hold the ladle in your left hand, the spout on the bowl of the ladle ends up on the side farthest away from you.  So, you have to pour the soup out and away from you.  Which means a lot of soup on the counter, for your cats, or on the floor, for your dogs.  If you hold the ladle in the “correct” hand, well, remember this is the hand that jumps around out of control, hence again, the soup-counter-cats, soup-floor-dogs thing.  Which is why when I am fortunate enough to have a miracle occur and all the measurements come out close enough, meters and backwards lettering and all, and the soup is decent, I still don’t get much of the soup and have to fill up on the oyster crackers, which bother me.  Because “oyster” is one of the words that bothers me, and because I don’t get the name since I don’t think they are made from oysters.  Besides they are not on the low-carb allowable foods list, which contains not one cracker of any kind except whole grain, like Triscuits, which suck.

Then, if you are trying to cook your healthy food with wine, there is the cork-screw problem.  If you use a standard cork screw with your left hand, the wine bottle turns the wrong way.  And it is freaking hard to twist the cork-screw into the cork with the hand that jumps around out of control.  Some of you will say “You can buy the cheap wine that has twist-off caps.”    But twist-off caps are yet another nightmare for the left-handed.  Since if you are left-handed you twist away from you, which is harder than twisting toward you, which is what twist off caps are meant to do since they were designed by and for right-handers.

I won’t even go into can openers.  Just once, try and use a can opener (the non-electric kind) with your left hand.

So we have established that it is hard to cook healthy meals when one is left-handed.  So what does that leave us with, food-wise?  The unwise-est food there is – fast food.  Fast food restaurants, of course, just so happen to be easy for left-handed people to get food from.  Partly because of cars.  Cars have all of the driving parts on the left side.  In the States, that is.  I know the U.K. is different.  I don’t care about what things are like in the U.K.   Plus, the fast food restaurants put their drive through windows where the car passes the drive through window on the left side.  Naturally, easiest for left-handed people since they are using the hand that does not jump around out of control to pay their money and grab the food.

And there you have it, yet another obstacle.  But I am not defeated.  I can still eat meat.  As long as I don’t have to use scissors to open the meat package.


One response to “Weird Science #1: Left-handedness causes fat

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